Lower Your Voice When You Speak to Me

I know I can be pretty sunshine, Isa Sonrisa, happy baby all the time, but I dabble in being a certified hater. I don’t know if it’s the chill of the California winter or the scraping of my uterine walls that has me feeling like I’ve been injected with an extra dose of truth serum.

SO here’s a list of people who need to lower their voice when they speak to me:

1. People who are still on their parents’ medical insurance

2. Anyone who has never felt the pain of ripping out their pubes with a pad

3. Anyone’s boyfriend

4. Tesla Trucks

5. People with 20/20 vision

6. People who are shorter than me (sorry, and definitely don’t catch me on a day where I’m wearing my Gucci boots…Bark! Bark!)

7. People who only speak one language

8. Anyone who has never owned a pet

9. People who swear they’ve never sniffed their own fart (I know you’re a freak)

10. People who laugh at a normal volume

11. People allergic to peanuts

12. People who use Instagram on their laptops

13. People who have never been given a free drink at a coffee shop

14. Anyone who doesn’t like cauliflower

15. People who ALWAYS use a tissue to pick their nose and don’t just raw dog it

16. People who wash their hands (just kidding) (just making sure you’re paying attention)

17. People who don’t dance (notice I didn’t say can’t, I give points for trying; I don’t give points for not trying)

18. People who do hot takes, but like…they’re not saying anything original

19. People who judge others…for mewwing

20. People who “read” audiobooks

21. Anyone who didn’t have a joint birthday party with their sibling growing up

22. People who have never had jury duty (deep cut)

23. People who don’t have their driver’s license (grow up)

24. People who tolerate lactose

25. People who work from home

26. People who ONLY have white friends

27. People without an Erewhon membership

28. People who have to use tongs to flip a tortilla

29. People who didn’t go to art school

30. Anyone with a podcast

31. People who don’t have a tooth gap

32. People who have never used a dating app

33. People who say clock it and then do this: 👌

34. Straight people

35. Transplants

36. Anyone born in the 2000s

37. Anyone who uses perfect punctuation in their text messages. (get a life!)

Let me know who I missed! ;)