Big fish at 5:30 AM

I woke up before my alarm at 5:30 am and I don’t even know why I went in there to begin with but before I knew it I lost half an hour to scrolling through my old photos. Not an uncommon occurrence, I know, but I started to look at myself. My iCloud storage on this phone went back to my first year of college and like any girl the week before her period I was intent on drowning myself in nostalgia. I went month by month, and I knew when I could expect to get closer to the tougher periods of my life like the month before I shaved my head and all the photos of pandemic bread signifying the covid years.

^ the pandemic bread (signifying the covid years)

But what I didn’t expect to see were so many years of worried eyes and half-hearted smiles. I was at a prestigious university, a dream school for most, but for me the option that just made the most sense. And even though I didn’t care too much about the school that I was attending, I cared a lot that I was studying theatre. I actually almost went to a different school that would have been mostly free to me. The guy from the other school wanted to give me a scholarship; he said that at his school I could be a big fish in a small pond, and at the other school I would be a little fish in a big pond. I said I wanted to be a big fish in a big pond.

So here I was years later, sitting in my bed before rallying to go to my 7am sculpt class as I scrolled through my photos app; you know, big fish type of stuff. And when I looked at my younger eyes I saw pride, I saw confidence, I saw the girl who felt like a big fish for getting cast in a show her freshman year of college, for having crushes, and making best friendships.

And the closer I got to the present all I saw were glimpses of satisfaction; like each year I had just enough pride to not starve. My bones have been brittle for far too long, sure I could blame it on the endless rejection, the infamously unprecedented times, but in the end it falls to me. All of this dissatisfaction has crept it’s way so deep inside of me that it’s coming back up for me to project on others. I’ve noticed it a lot lately; correcting others, making meaner than usual jokes. Subtle hatred infiltrating my everyday, so stuck in my own poison that I can’t even remember the little details of the day. What did I do this weekend? What show did my friend just book? Did I already tell my mom this story? I thought I was just obsessed with being skinny again, but apparently I have bigger issues.

The lack of presence that this has caused is something that I can no longer accept. Which is why I have to write it down here for you to witness. But I know I’ve been finding my way out of it, this year was the beginning of that for me. I think if you took a picture of me right now you might see a little bit more of a prideful glow. I wouldn’t be sitting here with the perspective that I have now if I weren’t already in the process of growing out of it.

So if you scroll through your photos between the hours of 12 and 6am and are confronted by your own bullshit, just know I tried to warn you!