7 Signs You Might Be Single
Only single people have time to go to the restroom. Okay, yes, in the era of ballerina farm and Christian nationalism, wellness and #healthtok are having a conservative rebrand that is pushing wellness into the mainstream. But in my reality, no one in their mid-twenties should be that serious about their fiber intake. Colon cancer is on the rise, BUT it’s still not really something you care about too much until you are at colonoscopy age, unless you’re single.
I’ll have some days where I have lentil soup, a head of cauliflower, chia seed yogurt, and an Olipop. This is prime single behavior, because I would be so worried about blowing up my partner’s bathroom or looking bloated, or I would honestly be eating out instead of having lentil soup for one.
Why? Because you're single and people think you are hot. You have max aura because your ugly boyfriend* isn’t stealing it from you. Look, babe, who needs a boyfriend when the WORLD is your boyfriend? If you’re hot and single, I can guarantee you won’t be charged for that extra guac or oat milk up-charge; you might even get a free pastry or appetizer. That’s not happening with your smurf of a boyfriend hanging around.
*Using boyfriend for this example because all women/femmes are beautiful and I wouldn’t call them ugly…like, EVER
This one is kind of self-explanatory, but Benito will always be my celebrity hall pass, unless of course…he doesn’t have to be…because we’re married. I remember teaching one of my early morning classes and announcing that I would be hosting a Bad Bunny class in a few weeks. I opened with “So we’ll be listening to my husband’s music next week”, and I just knew in that moment that my students knew I was embarrassingly single. Also, if Bad Bunny is not your guy, then insert your celebrity crush and never speak to me again.
Maybe this one is just me, but when you sleep alone…who is going to stop you from rolling out of bed at 6 am to go work out? Or hear me out: who is gonna have you out late, who is gonna convince you to just cancel your class? Because it’s not gonna be your homegirl and it’s not gonna be you, it’s gonna be them…
I was vibing at a red light, and I saw this fine ass man on a retro-looking motorcycle, and I was so curious about him. I was like, whoa, his arms and legs look pretty strong. I desperately wanted to know where he was headed, being all sexy and casually riding his motorcycle on a Thursday morning? Could I find him on Instagram based on the bike and city I was in? Crazy! All of this was triggered by maybe 30 seconds of watching him at this red light. I find myself in these situations too often. It would be concerning to me if I weren’t single, but you can’t blame a curious and slightly horny mind.
You don’t have time to wait for your coffee to be the perfect drinking temperature! You’re locked into making sure your body is tea, getting your bag, and literally cooling yourself off from whatever awful interactions you’ve had with your most recent situation or conversationships.
So yes, unfortunately, your prescription for loneliness is iced coffee. For real, though, we should be drinking something warm because it’s the closest thing we can get to a warm boyfriend-level hug.
I’m not saying I won’t do this once I’m cuffed up, BUT I’m using too many fire emojis, I’m leaving a minimum of 3 comments, I’m typing things I would never say out loud. Single people are chronically online and desperately obsessed with their friends. Like a male peacock showing off his feathers, thirsty comments on your friends’ posts signal to your Instagram stalkers that you’re single, and it paints a picture of the type of thirst they could receive if they’re brave enough to slide into your DMs.
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Bonus Sign: You write a piece about being single (to get attention)
Let me know in the comments if I missed any of your warning signs 😈
