I was the happiest I ever was when I was only a 5 minute walk away from my closest friends. We would spend almost 24 hrs a day together, like sometimes I’d even sit on the toilet while they showered. I think a lot of people would say that this is co-dependence and to that I say “Okay, so wUt? Like it’s a bad thinG????”.
I also grew up in a house where being left alone was never an option. Mostly because we actually liked each other, but also because were just Latino, so what other option did we have? So yeah, I’m really spoiled and I need a lot of attention but I also give a lot of my care and attention away.
Even though depth is easy for me, I’m hesitant to call people my best friends. I bring a lot of passion to my relationships so I tend to betray myself when I rush into closeness too quickly. Once I am invested, it actually takes divine intervention for me to recognize when the intentions aren’t being reciprocated. I probably shouldn’t, but I believe in giving people chances. I believe in giving people space. I believe in reaching out first. And if they still don’t reciprocate, then I just cut them off (hehe)! Look, I am a little intense when it comes to my friends but I don’t think that every single action has to be matched tit for tat. And after years of people pleasing I now know that I can’t control reciprocity, but I can sense when a friend is holding me close for their own convenience, instead of for their love of me and at that point, it’s my responsibility to address it or walk away.
I’m not perfect either, I over commit sometimes (a lot) and I spiral and get depressed and isolate BUT when it’s time to show up, I am there. And even when it’s not the time to show up, I’ll show up then too. That’s the difference that I’ve felt in my decade long platonic romances. You have to show up even when you are not needed, because your love goes beyond obligation and responsibility. So maybe it’s messed up, but I notice how you show up even when you don’t have to.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want you to live tweet me throughout your day! I want you to call me on a random Tuesday. I want to send you a billion memes that you will never open. I want to bring you flowers because I love you. I want you to tell me about how you almost shit your pants or got stung by a bee. I want you to see my location and say “girl wtf you doing in Upland”. I don’t want to collect friends, I want to connect to my friends. I won’t leave you alone and you don’t leave me alone either. Be a pest! Ask me about Ariana Grande at 11pm, talk me through the same situationships over and over again; piss me off! Sit with me in the drive through for a 20 minute mini hang because you’re on my way home and I haven’t seen you enough lately! Make me laugh! Exhaust me! It won’t ever be too much.
I promise you, the alarm will only go off in my head once you start to act like you are an inconvenience to me, because then I know that the reason you wouldn’t expect me to show up for you is because you think it would be an inconvenience for you to show up for me (or worse: you can’t even show up for yourself, and that’s not my problem to fix, sorry). Respectfully, I hate that shit. Have capacity for me and I’ll have capacity for you. Let’s be a little more unconditional and chalant with our love.
So thanks for loving me, and thanks for letting me love you too :) it makes me really happy, maybe the happiest I’ve ever been.
